I still want to be friends with you. But I guessed, somewhere along the way you decided to skip a few pages and went on ahead and left me. I still try to keep up and follow you to the page you were on. But you nudge me away and told me to get my own book. It was then that I saw that you were already sharing our book with someone else.
I waited at our old place. I brought all the same books that we use to love and share together. I hear stories as to how you gave up on me and decided to forget what we had. As if I woken up one morning and you were gone. The person that used to be you is gone. Gone and left me.
I love you. I love you so much. You were my best friend and you were the brother I never have. I've always believed that you were my soul mate, that it will be years, but we will never be separated, we will never part. But now I understand that thing they keep telling me, people change. There are things that happens and there is no reason for it, it just happened. It just ended.
You changed. You stopped loving me. And we stopped being friends. Now you won't even look at me, now you won't even acknowledge that I used to be a person you once knew in your past, you forgot that I used to be the only other person that shared your innermost secrets. But what you did hurts so much. You forgot me. And you keep passing by the route that we use to take together, play on the playground and go to the hiding place that we swore no one will know with someone else. You let a stranger in and take you away from me. You violated everything that we held in secret and shared it with someone else. It felt more than a slap but a punch in the gut and I had difficulty in breathing.
I took the risk. I was willing to forget all of that, if it means I can keep you, I can have you back again. I tried talking to you and pretended nothing happened. But you laughed at my face and shove me away. You said you grew tired of me, that I am no fun anymore. That I am silly and stupid and you also said you even wondered why you were even friends with me in the first place. When all I can offer is just this.
The world ended for me that day. And I went on my day with a heavy weight on my chest, and breathing is a task I needed to do but sometimes forget. I felt like someone attacked me and severed one of my limbs, there is an excruciating pain all over me, all I could do is cry, like it is the only thing I am programmed to do. Cry and cry until my eyes hurt, until its difficult to open them from too much crying.
Waking up each day is a chore. Eating, going about my day. It's like a routine I must follow or I would end up sleeping and not waking up at all. I found a different route, from where I can travel alone, no one passes here but me, there is not much here not even a scenery. I stopped going to our secret place, took all my books and toys from the place we use to call ours, and took them home with me. I kept all those books that we use to read and stored them under my bed. It hurts just looking at them. So I rather not see them anymore.
In the end, I decided that I will go and move away. I could avoid going to our old places. But I cannot avoid you forever, I will eventually run across you sooner or later. And no, don't ask me if I am brave enough. I don't think I have the strength to face you. I have lost everything since that day, and I only have a shadow left of the friend I used to have. And I want to keep that little bit left of the person that you once were. Spare that little bit of that memory for me. Its the only thing I have left to keep myself going.
I know in time I would get over this. I know in time I will accept this. But I am at the lowest of my low, and the only person I can turn to has decided to forget about me and left me. So I got no choice but to do things on my own. I have to relearn things, cope and reinvent myself.
I wish there will come a time that when I come back for a visit, I will meet you again. I know somewhere inside of you is the friend that I use to have. I want to meet that person again. I want to find my guiding light again, my home. You were all of these things until that day. Maybe. Someday. But I'm not going to hold my breath and wait. I need to move on. Who knows what will happen, who knows who I will meet at the place where I am going? But at the back of my mind, I am still hoping wherever it is and whoever it is. It will still be you.